Transcript
An Empty Nest
© Victoria Evangelina Belyavskaya
27.06.2008
Yesterday, in the wee hours of the night in Tashkent, I was putting my clothes and notebooks back in a suitcase, which still contained the remains of plastic wrapper after my short trip to Almaty, Kazakhstan. The warm light of three candles filled the room up with romance even though the occasion for the candle light was an abrupt electricity shortage. “Dear World” sang David Gates on my laptop and I caught myself murmuring “thanks” for those long-life batteries… Many times in my life, songs have been an inspiration to me, helped me to hold on, go on and stay sane in the whirlpool of life. I was thinking about the talk I had with my Mom earlier that evening. It was not the first time that I have seen just how torn apart by her perspective of a ‘traditional’ family and the reality we live in she is. Needless to say, Mom is happy to see her little girl travel the world and collect life experience, finding the path of her life. But, as any other loving mom she still wishes for her baby to be by her side and be in need of her: women so often interpret need as love. Nature itself puts female to service and we continue without borders. The difference between living life for others or living for oneself while serving others along the way can be seen. My Mom has chosen living for others as her destination, and with me being away, she does not feel that she fulfills her part of a loving mother the way she should. On top of that, she feels lonely not being able to fully share with me the full scope of daily events. Not until last night did she openly tell me her feelings. But some history, first. Once upon a time, Dimitry was my closest friend and, by default, our mothers developed a close connection. Always encouraged by my Mom to take on challenges, I was a young student at two schools, law and journalism and a freelance journalist for a business and a sports newspaper. On top of this I studied English, volunteered for a physically and mentally handicapped children’s institution and was madly in love with Latina dance. Dimitry and his younger brother Anton were part-time coaches for a kids’ health club. “So, what are your plans for the future?” I remember Mom asking them for the first time. “Well,… same-same, I hope,” said Anton, and Dimitry nodded with a smile. The conversation went on and on with some variations and in no time Mom was talking to Anna, the young men’s mother. “Dear, let me tell you from the heights of my age,” Mom started. She was a whole seven months older than Anna. “You have wonderful boys. But they have zero ambition! Do you really want them to barely make ends meet working as coaches for children in some tiny center? Do you know that they have no plans to continue with education?” “Their work in the center is more like a summer occupation indeed, when kids are free from school,” agreed Anna. “But they seem to have everything what is needed for life so I think they will be fine.” Sadly, our families did not fully accept differences in lifestyles. In couple of years the boys, already in their late-twenties, missed some wonderful opportunities for personal and professional development. Their parents encouraged them to keep their old lifestyles. Soon them and me, as
usually challenged for further growth and development, and fully supported in it by my family, grew apart. Earlier this week I met both Dimitry and Anton. They work at the same club, and are as great with kids as ever. Their parents are happy grandparents to three sweet angels, ages 3, 2 and 1,5. After talking to Anna on the phone, for the first time in all the years since I left Tashkent, Mom was very quiet, and I sensed her looking over the past. “Perhaps, I was wrong,” she said. “I have raised your ambition to go in search for yourself and your destination, but I could not imagine that it would result in your physical absence. And now, look, Anna is the winner. She is already a three times grandma, and both of her boys are by her side. She got all that a woman needs and all by not supporting her boys’ ambitions. Now they live together, day by day, and are happy. Or at least, it sounds so.” “But you do know I support you,” added Mom quickly, “and I know you are doing great.” While all the parents of the world forever see their children as little boys and girls, in developed countries it is a norm that “little ones” leave the nests early, often flying away on long distances. Former Soviet Union parents, on the other hand, do not know how to live for themselves: there are many social and religious structures that successfully override the worth of individual and self-love, self-respect by the importance of a “unit of society”, be it a family, a group, or an office team. It is only recently that the wave of acknowledgement of living for oneself comes to us from the West. Thus former Soviet Union parents, as many former Soviet Union kids, who were raised up with the principles of staying all together, are incapable of living for themselves. And while it is easier for children to go away and get busy with building their lives and careers, the parents are truly challenged by living for themselves. Having financial security, surprisingly, does not make it easier. My western and European friends’ parents ride motorcycles and play golf, get married and divorced, open new ventures and pursue new careers into their 70s, while the parents of my former Soviet Union friends consider their life finished at the age of 60, and after that, live only for their grandchildren. Of course, there are exceptions… which confirm the pattern. Psychologists explain that developing nations tend to stay together for the sake of survival and call this as “having high primitivism”. With the diminishing of possible dangers from one’s surroundings, the level of primitivism lowers, leaving an individual fully capable and responsible for his or her survival. Thus, the unbreakable tradition to stay together, as one family, is also most common among families of developing nations. There are many books on modern positive psychology and laws of life and universe, and the principle to live and be responsible for oneself is one of the core principles. Yet, according a poll by M. Litvak, a famous Russian psychologist and psychotherapist, 92% live “for others”: children, parents, spouses and even their pets. Often this result in “psychological vampirism” such as demands for attention, gratitude for all the “sacrifice” and so on. Here I could have talked about loving oneself in order to fully love those close to you, about parental egoism, about children’s indifference, about letting go and acceptance and personal growth and… but the candles have already burned out and my suitcase is ready to go on yet another plane. And no matter what level of primitivism I have, I’d rather my Mom was with me. But she has lots of pets and friends to take care of now that I’m away and it is difficult for her to leave the newly acquired responsibilities and go live for herself. I truly wish she could do it, at least, for me, since this is the best reasoning I can choose for my dear Mom whose heart is as big as the Universe.